A collection of thoughts

A synopsis and takeaway from a psychology study

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I was recently listening to an episode of The Human Brain, a podcast I love, and this particular episode "The Gift of Other People" really struck a chord with me. It discusses the modern paradox of this essential thing we call human connection. 

 

In this episode psychologist Nicholas Weber talks to our host about the concept of human connection and why it is a paradox in todays world; we need it, yet not everyone gets enough of it. Nicholas starts out by teaching us that humans are happier when they connect intentionally as much as possible. Pay attention to the word intentionally, it is a choice. This is a finding he details based on studies he and other psychologists have proven over the years. He conducted an experiment with commuters on a train where he had participants do 1 of 3 things: behave like they always do while commuting, intentionally stay to themselves, and intentionally talk to a stranger. The takeaway was that the ones who talked to a stranger came away much happier. Many recorded time feeling faster than they would hope, and that the rest of their day was happy. The paradox is though, Nicholas says, that although its rather common knowledge that we need connection, many of us choose not to connect on a daily basis, for various reasons. Nicholas coined a term for this; under-sociality.

 

We are social beings at our core, we need connection. Yet, under-sociality suggests we often choose not to connect, it's a paradox of being in the modern world. We will feel better if we do, but there are so many reasons we choose not to, or can choose not to. We literally need it, so why avoid it?

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Well, it comes down to a few things. The first is perception. We think others don't want to talk to us, we live in our fear of perception. When the experiment contestants were asked, 9/10 gave this answer as their rationale. So, we're getting in our own way because of what we think someone wants or thinks? Also, we're not always energized enough and up for interacting as it requires energy and effort, or maybe there's not many people to interact with, or maybe we're sick, etc. There's always an okay reason to not choose connection, as alone time is good too, and in fact we also need that. But when those factors aren't at play, the concept holds firm; we are better off after intentionally choosing connection.

 

Anyone who knows me has probably heard my spiel about human connection, my romanticized mantra I've come up with. It's this idea that one of the key if not main purposes of life is to connect; to love, to care, to give, to listen, to be with and around others, to make others day better. Simply put, it is to leave someone better off having interacted with them, as opposed to not. This pertains to your loved ones of course, but more interestingly, it also pertains to strangers. That barista you love talking to, your local bodega owner, the lady whose outfit you loved on the bus. The idea is that life is enriched by these connections, that intentionally partaking in them, leaves you better off.

 

On a side note, everything is in balance, as we all learned in highschool physics. You cannot spend all of your time connecting, or conversely, you cannot constantly be alone. Even the most outgoing individuals cannot (and introverts would keel over and die probably). You must have time alone/ time to rest, thus isolation or internal connection with oneself is also psychologically proven to be of value to humans. In other words, too much of any good thing, can be a bad thing. I find this fascinating, as the whole episode is supposed to be selling us on why we need human connection as much as possible. But, like all scientific concepts, there's always a way to find a rebuttal or to be a devil's advocate.

 

You know that almost overly happy and outgoing person, a friend or stranger in passing, whom everyone always seems to take notice of? You know how often the thought process going on in the viewer's mind when witnessing them is often, "wow they're crazy, annoying, loud"etc? For every outward person, there is always someone whispering and making fun of them. Maybe more so in highschool, but even as adults we see it. Even if the reaction is not aggressive like anger or major annoyance, it can be lighter like confusion, or becoming uncomfortable around them. Why does this happen? I've pondered this for years, and in reflection on this podcast and a culmination of years of experience, I finally think I understand why. Because we've begun to care more about how we are perceived than about how we feel. Because at our origin, fear drives us, and today's world fears perception more than any other. There's many reasons for this, anxiety and depression on the rise, social media allowing us to perceive and be perceived way more than ever, tech allowing us to shell up and never leave our homes if we don't want to, the sickness that is American individualism.

 

So why am I telling you all of this? Because I have a strong conviction that we are better when we work together, when we leverage our diverse cultures and perspectives, when we learn from others, when we help a friend, when we hug someone who needs it. Because my personal conviction has become fact; we are made better by connecting. We live truly happier lives by investing in others. We are more human because of other humans. Because to love and be loved is what life is about, and if you forgot, or if you never thought of it that way, now you know. Now for the crucial part, it's one thing to understand this, and it's another to act on it; to choose to partake. Remember when I bolded "intention" up above? Human connection and its benefits are something you must do with intention, in other words, you must try. But, like all things in life, some of the most beautiful things in life require effort.

 

Don't miss out on the chance to love and be loved. To share, to teach, to learn from one another. Write that birthday card and mean every word, tell that stranger she's gorgeous, call a loved one unannounced and tell them about your day, tell someone you thought about them.

 

We have a choice

Change your mindset

Vulnerability is beautiful

Connection changes lives

 

"Everyone you've ever met knows something you don't know."

- Bill Nye